Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I forget how to act sober
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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