I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
