he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
