I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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