how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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