The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
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You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter