You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...