just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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