just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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