Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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