So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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