I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
