all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
