He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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