i was born a porn star she said
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
