Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
