I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
