i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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