im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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