I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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