mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
