I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
