I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
