Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
