Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
