I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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