just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
