I wanna bring you to show and tell
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
