separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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