He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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