I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
