I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
