Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
