i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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