I can text with my tongue
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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