i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
