you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
