i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Life without a bra equals bliss.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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