we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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