dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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