last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up