I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize