I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
