How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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