new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
