i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
