Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
