The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
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I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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