last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
