I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
