It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
