We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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