Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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