I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
