And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
