1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
