new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
