I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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